Learning to Accept Apologies

By Rev. William Dohle

Growing up my parents taught me an important skill: How to say sorry. They taught me that, when I had done something wrong, that it was right to apologize and say that I was sorry.

Of course I used that well to my advantage, mostly to calm the waters if I had done something and perceived I had done something wrong. It took the firm guidance of my wife to break me of the habit of apologizing for everything.

As an adult, I have learned apologies aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Apologies rarely do anything, other than affirm that something has come between you. To work, apologies require the assent of both the wrongdoer and the victim. They require, as it were, both parties to admit that something happened. And that’s not always so easy.

Most times when I’ve apologized I’ve heard nothing but silence. No “I forgive you”, no “It’s alright...”. Not even an affirmation that wrong was done. Nothing! Knowing I am a sinful, imperfect human being, I have apologized to numerous people and have received, what I call, the silent treatment. Not a word spoken or returned, as if I really ceased to exist on earth after the whatever wrong was done.

For some the apology has been denied, mostly with words like: “You don’t need to apologize.” That response does nothing if the relationship is still broken. There is always something worth apologizing for. The question is: Is the victim willing to accept the apology and forgive? Another variation on this theme is the apology accepted, but the wrong never fully forgotten. In this case, the party says: “I accept your apology...” and yet can never get over the wrong that was done. The sin hangs over the sinners head as long as the relationship continues.

For a few, a very few, apologies have actually worked. For these people, the wrong is forgotten and doesn’t affect the relationship. For them, the blessed words: “I forgive you.” are uttered and a new dawn arises between them. In my experience, if a relationship(ANY relationship) can survive and see through this type of apology, there isn’t anything that can come between them.

Jesus speaks on forgiveness quite a bit and on the responsibility of both the forgiver and the forgiven. To those who do wrong, he counsels:"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. “Matthew 5:23-24
Before we do anything for God, we must apologize to our brothers and sisters for the wrong we have done to them. It isn’t right to ask God for forgiveness when we haven’t asked our neighbor for theirs. Admit you’re wrong, Jesus says. Apologize!
But then, most of the rest of Jesus’ words are to the victims. Including the answer to a certain question Peter asks him.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Jesus is clear on one point. When it comes to forgiving others, there is NO excuse not to! If the other has apologized(and even if he hasn’t) there isn’t any excuse to keep what they’ve done hanging over their head. No excuse at all! In fact, the forgiveness we give others is returned to us as well. “Forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.” Do we want God to listen and respond to our apologies in the same way we respond to the apologies of others? Do we want God to remain silent, or keep our sins hanging over our heads, or tell us that we have no need to apologize despite how we feel? Absolutely not!

What we want to hear from God is. “You’re forgiven!” ... “Your sins have been washed clean!”... Or, as the Father tells the Prodical Son, “Come! Let us celebrate! For this son of mine was dead and now is alive! He was lost and now is found!”

May we accept others’ apologies in the same manner, freely giving the forgiveness that God in Christ has so freely given us! Amen!